a cry for help

by hapsarisekaradi

Some said ‘to begin healing your wound, the first thing to do is to acknowledge the pain’. Denial or running away from it won’t do you any good, let alone blaming the other party.

You see, pretending that everything’s okay/running away/cutting people outta my life/changing my phone number was my way of dealing with the pain. So at first, I didn’t really get why I always, always face the same love script, different cast problem over and over again-sometimes with additional problems: different religions or can’t move on from their ex.

That is until someone reminded me about karma. In a simple way, karma can be seen as the universe/god’s way of teaching us the lessons that we need to learn.

And obviously, I didn’t really learn enough from my past relationship. Because I tend to run away from it, blaming the other party, and playing the victim role.. when… it really takes two to tango, right?

Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with the way I was (still am, sih actually) dealing with the pain. And I just can’t take it anymore. It’s so darn exhausted.

Especially when a suicidal thought comes to mind.

So yes, I’m still mad with Mr. Dropped Me Off in Jalan Wastukencana in the Middle of the Night and Didn’t Even Care if I Had to Walk on Foot By Myself; or Mr. Broke Up Over the Phone and Didn’t Have the Courage to Tell It to My Face-Because He Couldn’t Stand to See Me Cry; or Mr. I’m Still Dating My Past, Didn’t Give a F*ck About Your Feeling/Email/SMS, Act As If Everything’s Alright Between Us and Nothing Had Happened/Mattered At All (Hell, I even think that he doesn’t care whether I’m alive or if I was abducted by aliens and found Valhalla). And yes, I’m still mad with Mr. Because We Have Different Religions = We Cannot Have Our Future Together, But I Don’t Wanna Break Up With You Because I Still Love You.

But yeah, every action leads to a reaction. I need to find out what’s wrong with me and fix it. I have to forgive my past, learn how to (fake a) smile, clean up my bad karma, and let go.

And maybe, just maybe, it’s not that bad to live after all.

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*Terimakasih untuk inspirasi judulnya, Teph :*

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