pointless mind


decisions, decisions, decisions that need to be made. things that i need to forget. memories that i don’t intend to keep. a hug that i no longer need. and words that should’ve left unsaid.

darn it. is there any way to get amnesia that doesn’t involve getting killed or paralyzed?

a few steps back


“Maybe sometimes, if it’s for the better, you’ll have to take a step back…” – @andiboba

And so I’ve decided to take a few steps back. I need some time off-away from everything that I know, even from myself.

I need to save whatever left in me, before it was too late.

It came to my senses that some have questioned my decision. “Bego,” one of my bestie said, and “Don’t make any decision based on anger and haste,” my brother said.

Well… I’ve been thinking about making this damn decision since last year. All I need is a trigger or some sort of sign to confirm it. And yeah I don’t know what the future holds, or that I might regret my decision-but neither does anyone else.

All I know is that at this moment, I just feel like this is the right thing to do.

Wish me luck.


Tuhan emang suka iseng. Saat lagi babak belur dihantam badai rasa, tiba-tiba ketemu Mamang Awie di Makassar secara nggak sengaja. Padahal waktu di Jakarta aja susah banget kalau mau ketemuan.

Tuhan emang beneran suka iseng. And today, I’m grateful for it.


Suspect Jinak

The Test Result

“…Massa padat mammae bilateral, suspect jinak (FAM)”

And the first thing that crossed my mind was “Oh sh*t, not again. Should i tell my parents about it?”

Yup, I was scared like hell, but my greatest fear is never about the chemo nor whether I have to have a surgery to get rid of this thing or not. My greatest fear is how my parents would react when they heard the news.

My mom had the surgery before, and I don’t want them to go through the pain again.

Yes, they’ve made jokes about it, act as if nothing’s really matter, but one can tell just by the look on their face that they’re worried-sick, and I hate that look.

Maybe that’s why whenever I got sick, I prefer to go to the hospital by myself; like that one time when I had fever + chickenpox and I went to Boromeus and had to find a parking space for half an hour, good times I tell ya! (Kecuali pas kena serangan asma dan harus ke UGD sih. Itu mah dianterin sekeluarga. )

Anyway, there I was, waiting for the doctor. Texting my brother about my condition and asked him to keep it a secret for awhile. Thinking that I might die young and never got the chance to travel the world-I know that the possibility is next to impossible considering they’re (still) benign. But you never know. You just don’t. (Setelah ketemu dokter, hasilnya tetap sama: terlalu kecil ukurannya untuk dioperasi dan harus jaga makan, and I’ve got to see him again after 3 months of observation)

And it sucked. I cried a lot that day. I wish my parents (and Ojet) were there-and I secretly wish you were there too, Tuan Pagi #curcol.

Guess, next time I’m gonna bring them along. Don’t wanna go through all this by myself. I’m not that strong.

Hhh, egois ya?


R.26 of Boromeus Hospital – the surgeons room


a mess

Tuan Pagi, dan sungguh pun ini harus berakhir, tidak ada gunanya mengingat luka, bukan? Tidak ada gunanya mengingat kamu.

Si Pengganggu



campur aduk

Ada beberapa cara untuk pulang ke kost saya di bilangan Radio Dalam, salah satunya adalah dengan naik bis transjakarta jurusan Blok M- Kota, turun di Blok M, lalu disambung dengan naik 72-yang hobinya ngetem dan jalan di bawah 20 km/jam kalau lagi nyari penumpang.

Tapi masalahnya, naik transjakarta tidak selamanya menyenangkan, apalagi di jam-jam pulang kantor. Ngantri mau masuk bis saja sudah perjuangan tersendiri, belum lagi kalau harus berdesak-desakkan dan nggak dapat tempat duduk. Untuk alasan terakhir, bisa jadi karena nasib sial, atau pilihan, misal ada ibu hamil atau nenek-nenek atau kakek-kakek. Suka nggak tega liatnya, tempat duduk pun harus ikhlas direlakan kepada yang lebih berhak.

Oleh karena itu, kalau rasa egois plus jiwa petualang sedang muncul, saya memilih naik Kopaja P 19 jurusan Tanah Abang – Ragunan. It usually takes longer to get to Blok M, tapi selalu dapat tempat duduk. Begitu duduk langsung tidur deh, karena toh perjalanannya akan lama dan macet.

Anyhow, dua hari lalu saat hujan mendera Jakarta, saya sempat ngambil foto bundaran HI dengan patung selamat datang dan macetnya pakai hp. Hasilnya nggak gitu jelas, tapi entah kenapa berhasil menangkap rasa hati pada saat itu (eh, masih sampai sekarang sih): campur aduk nan nge-blur.


Bundaran HI saat hujan

Sasha’s Answer

“L, I think this is a very poignant statement in your situation.  Look, if he is telling you that he’s afraid of disappointing you, if he’s already shutting you out, if he’s really not making a concerted effort to change, then I’d take his words/actions as the truth and BOUNCE.  Self-deception is real mind f-ck and I don’t want you to waste your time hoping he’s someone he’s not.-Sasha –

Ps. #jleb pisan ini mah